When I set forth planning this trip I remember phrasing my intent to someone as “just needing various non tundra places to exist”. That was a breezy enough baseline to aspire to. But actually being out here, I’ve been weighed so heavily by the question of “what are you doing tomorrow?” from others and from myself. Like there’s definite need for action in these fleeting moments– do all the things, because who knows when or if you’ll be able to again. And while I do try to live my life in the now and nowhere else, this pressure for validation through volume of tangible experiences hasn’t felt at all comfortable or even honest. So when people have asked me what I’ve done or will do, I’ve felt more likely to answer with some response I perceive as most impressive. Like I went to 5 different parks this week, or drove this many miles of coastline, or went on this 11 mile hike. At times these stats might be my actual favorite moments, but I may also have chosen to share them just because they seem the strongest case that I’m “making the most” of being on this trip.

But something occurred to me the other day– why not also believe that I could just be in places like these again. And thus move from a place of demanded action back into my original plan of just existence. One of my favorite days in Santa Cruz I slept in late, walked on the coast until I found a sunny park bench, napped there until 3 in the afternoon, woke up and decided to go order two entree portions of tacos. You wouldn’t find this day is any must do guide to Monterey Bay– but it gave to me something that doing all the things never could, and that’s knowing what a real, unscripted, un-itinerarized life would be like here.

I’m still bound for many more places and I will carry with me the to do list– of course I want to enjoy the greatest hits and have them as my own memories. But this trip is already validated infinitely just by me putting my whole self into it. So I’m going to keep reminding myself of that and that my original intent for this trip was always just to find– various places to exist.

Moment of Gratitude: May most of them come with naps and tacos.